Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize