So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My ass is underappreciated
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
