Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
