all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
