wat bout pragnant strippers??
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
