I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Someone came in the potted fern
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
