I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
