hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
