I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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