i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
