It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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