that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
