rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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