So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I faked an abortion last night.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
