All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
