Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
