his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize