Why are handjobs necessary in class?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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