I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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