ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
