I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
