I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dick very happy bro
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
