apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
