Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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