is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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