neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
