my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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