Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
