i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
