Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
No subtext here. People are naked.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
