Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
