apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
