She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
