I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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