Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We are all done wearing pants today
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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