I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
