i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
