I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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