have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
