wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
