apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it was like eating out sand paper
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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