my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
