fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
