dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
