I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
