recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
