i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
