Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
