Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
