im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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