quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
