I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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