Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
