Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
ok first of all what the fuck
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize