I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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