i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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