I wannas sexs uuuuu
"it" just moved
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
